Imagine you go to a bar and you order your favorite drink. You look for it on the menu. But instead of seeing traditional names such as Budweiser, Jager Bombs, and Tequila shots, you see the Philadelphia Flyers roster. So you order a Ray Emery (what.) and the bartender grabs the Jack Daniels, Jameson, Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker and you gulp and pray that you can do this. You take the Ray Emery, realize you can’t move side to side through a crowd quick enough to get to the bathroom and yak on the bar.
Congratulations. Ray Emery just made you puke on the bar.
Because its the summer, here are yourPhiladelphia Flyers players…as alcoholic beverages. Enjoy.
Claude Giroux: Double Vodka and Redbull. Because you want to rage and unleash your party animal. Just like Giroux wants to go absolutely insane on the ice.
Kimmo Timonen: Jameson. You ever see those commercials where that guy goes through pain and agony to save his barrel of Jameson? That’s what Kimmo Timonen does to his body to save the so called Flyers “defense.”
Matt Read: Rum and Coke. A simple, yet satisfying drink that does its job. Can be a big party drink, or a chill and hang out at the house drink. Just like Matt Read, able to work on the power play or penalty kill, it works in multiple settings.
Zac Rinaldo: Jagerbomb. I mean, how could Remaldo now be a Jagerbomb? Jagerbombs will F#$% YOU UP BRO. And no one says I wanna get F#$%#$ UP BRO on the ice more than Remaldo.
Vincent Lecavalier: Manhattan. I always felt like a Manhattan was an old persons drink. Get it? Cause Vinny is old? Both are old, but get the job done…if not like how it used to be.
Jay Rosehill: Cement Mixer. No one ever wants to do a cement mixer. Seriously. And no one ever wants to see Jay Rosehill on the ice. It will be an awful experience and afterwards, you’ll need a couple Double Vodka and Red Bulls to forget the awful experience that was a cement mixer.
Braydon Coburn: Dirty Sock. There really isn’t anything too special about a Dirty Sock. Scotch, pineapple juice, its not the first choice. But it certainly isn’t the last. And when you’re a broke college kid like myself, I’d rather wear a dirty sock then nothing at all. Braydon Coburn is a dirty sock. Not the first choice. But if needed, its good.
Nicklas Grossmann: Everclear. Why? Because the only thing I’ve ever had that made me say “Gross, man” when it comes to drinks is pouring a shot of Everclear, basically gasoline, down my throat. But it gets the job done, albeit there are much better options.
Sean Couturier and Brayden Schenn: Natty Light. Because these two kids just want to pound back brews, slam puck bunnies and rage to the newest Diplo song. Exactly what broke college kids do. Except they aren’t broke. Or college kids. But I can just tell Schenn can definitely funnel Natty’s with the best of them.
Wayne Simmonds: Mind Eraser. You may not order a mind eraser every time you go out, but when you do, its like the best thing ever and you generally have a really good night. Like Wayne Simmonds. He might disappear for a while, but when he comes out, he can be the best player on the ice (a la Game 6 vs New York). And you remember that night you got mind erasers and how awesome it was.
Luke Schenn: Mike’s Harder Lemonade. Luke Schenn was definitely made fun of as a kid for getting drunk off Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Two of them, and he was blacked out. But now, with new Mike’s Harder Lemonade, he’s a champ and pounds those bad boys back left and right while talking about how he plays hockey, but no one believes him.
Jakub Voracek: Troegs Mad Elf. Because Voracek reminds me of LUMBUS Scott Hartnell, which reminds me of Yukon Cornelius, which reminds me of elves and Christmas. And hockey is played in winter. So this makes sense.
Mark Streit: Long Island. You know your older cousin from New York who comes down, brings his friend Andrew MacDonald who really isn’t invited but comes anyway and wants to rage with you and gets excited about $6 Long Island Iced Teas at the bar, then buys 5 of them at once and chugs them because he wants to show how cool he is. Then an hour later, you see him passed out on the sidewalk with a hobo trying to steal his shoes. That’s Mark Streit. (Long Island, Islanders, this was too easy. The pun was there and I nailed it…)
Jason Akeson: Designated Driver. He’s relatively new to the group, trying to fit in. The very first time he gets to really go out, he gets in a fight with the bouncer and gets you all kicked out. You’re all mad at him, don’t speak for a couple of days. Then he’s the only one to come out with you when your cousin comes visit, so he’s cool again. You let him back in by being your designated driver…for now.
Steve Mason: Water. Because when you’ve had too many shots of Everclear and dirty socks, you need something to help cure the terrible hangover. Water does just that. And Steve Mason cleans up for the mess the defense makes.
So when you go to the bar next, or want to make that new drink at your house, refer to them not by their drink name but by their Flyers player name. The bartender will DEFINITELY understand you.
And then definitely kick you out.