Today, the NHL announced that they are teaming up with Stan Lee to create a superhero for each of the 30 NHL teams. Stan Lee is the guy who made Spider Man, Iron Man, the X-Men and a few other superheroes. I don’t know how much of a hockey fan Stan is, so I’m sure he’ll need some input.
First, a few tips for Mr. Lee regarding our Atlantic Division brethren.
- Pittsburgh Penguins: This hero should be female, carry a girly purse, and for a super power will have the ultimate rape whistle. Thus, any time Crosby feels threatened, this hero can call for help. As a back story, the hero can be an avid fan of water sports, especially diving.
- New Jersey Devils: Might as well give this hero the power of invisibility, because nobody really cares whether or not they can see the Devils. Every season we expect this team to suck, and year after year, they outperform our expectations. It’s like a sick joke that GM Lou Lamoriello keeps playing on us. Thus, this hero should use it’s power to play annoying, practical jokes on everyone else.
- New York Rangers: Vain, free-spending, severely underachieving is a perfect description of the Broadway Blueshirts. Make the hero a rich guy, with designer sunglasses, a man-purse. Give him the gift of gab, and the ability to make women love him, but give him impotence, so he’s unable to perform when it matters most, just like the Rangers.
- New York Islanders: This team is forgotten and ignored, rarely making news, always hoping for a chance to shine. Don’t even design a superhero, just use an animated version of Jan Brady.
As for our beloved Philadelphia Flyers, let’s expand a bit. First: appearance. Do we go with a skin tight suit, body armor, or a mutated hockey player? I’m thinking old school, including a cape. A nice, bright orange cape, with the rest of the suit mostly black. a touch of orange here and there, which I’ll leave up to Lee to design. On the chest, a simple outline of the Philadelphia skyline, with the Flyers logo behind that. For a power, I’d give our hero the ability to transform, similar to Mystique, in X-Men. The real Flyers can play dirty, they can play tough, and they can fly if need be. A shape shifting hero fit’s this ability to adapt perfectly.
Finally, the personality. I’d make our hero similar to Marv, from Sin City. He’s the ultimate anti-hero, just like the Flyers. He takes a superhuman beating, is hated and feared by most, but he keeps coming back. Think back to the mid-70′s in Flyers history. The Broad Street Bullies were far and away the most hated team in the NHL, whose antics are still talked about today. But when they played the Russians, every hockey fan in North America was cheering for them. Marv is the same; in the world of Sin City, he has few close allies, but they (and the movie audience) know that he’s really the good guy, and we all stand behind him.
I know, I have yet to come up with a name. That’s the one thing I’m terrible at: catchy names. So I leave that up to you, the readers, to comment here, or to contact the NHL and make suggestions. I don’t know if Stan Lee will ever hear about this blog, or where he’ll get his information from. I don’t know if these 30 characters will be anything more than just cartoon images, without a story. But whatever he does, he better do it right, or not do it at all.
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